August 25

I don’t want to code. I don’t want to cook… anything

i need to force myself I need to act like a Loving Parent. No need to let Danny win, behave like a Loving Parent…

audio will go off in less than ten minutes… gotta change

get my act together or die ignobly

Gratitude List

i have a house and large, beautiful yard

I have all sorts of tools

I can transform my house into a home: warm and inviting, neat and clean

it is easy to stop smoking… I know this and am not taking the plunge

three or four hours later…

i am going to quit smoking! Both! Start there and see what happens. I want to be able to breathe

I’m sick of the lingering headache, confusion, wishful thinking and not moving. I’m tired of being tired. I understand how important it is for me to exercise my muscles. I understand how important it is to move when fatigued. This feels to me to be very important.

Queries … how to use them. So many fun things to do, and I resist doing them. This perennial problem: Doing what I choose to do. Whether based on fun/entertainment value or a “chore”, I am always happier when I do them… I can start anywhere, and just go thtough what I can do

One last demonstration of the power of commanding the muscles

August 24

Bills

addiction is self-perpetuating. I’m at my bottom, and the whole thing is time-sensitive. I have serious COPD which, in addition to ____ hormone, causes fatigue. the fatigue is conducive to more sitting time which in turn causes a degradation of physical fitness. the only way to maintain physical ability is to exercise the various parts of the body.

I would like to choose to change my life, but I don’t really think I can 🙁
i don’t think I have the power to choose any longer. I am incapable of starting the lawnmower and moving around outside. it is 80 degrees… perfect. I could have started a fire, put air in the tires, jump start and move to … fuck fuck fuck blah blah blah

can I go on the hero’s journey? The hero goes for something… he doesn’t go just for the adventure. Well, a serendipitous adventure can occur as well. My adventure:
go chemical free. This is the biggest change. This is the hardest one to try to do. This one has a clear goal and has clear success criteria. This one seems the most daunting. I don’t know what I fear more… going though the terrible nicotine withdrawal, or surviving the depressive symptoms of cannabis cold turkey. I don’t have to look at it in terms of Ann or ____. I can remember that I don’t want to be known as a pot head. I want to run my life rationally… here in America at this time. knowing what I know about my physical health

can I go on the hero's journey? The hero goes for something… he doesn’t go just on an adventure. He has a quest. Well, a serendipitous adventure can occur as well. My adventure:
go chemical free. This is the biggest change. This is the hardest one to try to do. This one has a clear goal and has clear success criteria. This one seems the most daunting. I don’t know what I fear more… going though the terrible nicotine withdrawal, or surviving the depressive symptoms of cannabis cold turkey. I don’t have to look at it in terms of Ann or ____. I can remember that I don’t want to be known as a pot head. I want to run my life rationally… here in America at this time. knowing what I know about my physical health

start to get in shape. Enough is enough. I need to improve my physical stamina if I am going to enjoy my life as much as possible. it is incredible to me that I am still smoking. Knowing what I know, and how easy it is to stop smoking. it takes commitment to an open-ended program of recovery. a firm commitment to live life on life’s terms and conditions , and thereby be a recipient of life’s force. Strength, which I’ve always noted how it came from exerting an activationi energy, comes from a certain type of letting go and also tenacity and courage. the ability to live with myself without smoking cigarettes.. joyfully. Very sorry the COTD started, but this is all I can do now.

keep improving level of nutrition. Try to achieve 50% of my food volume (?) come from vegetables. basically eliminate processed food.

keep going with the de-cluttering. Reflect on what you are doing… passing these ‘things’ on to others. Much will go to the landfill where I used to go with mom. I went by myself most of the time… in my light green chevy truck. I had a lot of sex with Mary Marano at the time. we went to many movies, walks around Doylestown, and took many trips to the shore… mostly Cape May. It was enjoyable, but I was dissatisfied. In any case, it is time to reduce my possessions. Time to more that de-clutter.

as the motivation comes back, I can look forward to dealing with Tabas & Rosen, Keystone Health Plan East, and Helicopter people. I can rationally get my $50,000 from my pension and start to spend it:

• demolition
• foundation
• carpentry
• roofing
• windows
• plumbing
• electrical

do I have the courage? do I have the desire? alternatives: travel (where, by myself?, physical health, social security and Medicare, …) North Carolina? I don’t want to try to recapture something that is bygone. How about I fix house up to my liking… warm and welcoming. squeeze another year or two from the furnace. Make the property look real nice. Next spring put on some very cheap off-white siding and paint the stucco.

This year, I really would like to stain the shed, reduce the number of tools I have (get started anyway), get more cleared up in the back.

Just the thought of yard work is very scary to me… as I lie in bed freewheeling some ideas. I simply cannot do what I just envisioned. While it was presented to my consciousness in a series of steps, from _____ to planting nice shrubs out front along the sides, and clearing the area under the trees in the old garden,

Perhaps I should think about dismantling my present garden and planting grass for the fall. Put that on my fucking to do list… on top of, what, let’s see, in the spirit of Aunt Dot and Uncle Karl:

• cheap siding
• mark trees
• get Stihl running
• cut the lawn, and string trim
• build a fire (keep >2″ branches in a pile
• clear out what I have here in my living area
• finish projects like
  • stucco/ doghouse/ siding/
  • stain shed
  • fill holes
  • get rid of blue van
  • deal with Ford bumper
  • deal with ruined cash
  • can I install the door onto the great room?
  • can I stop smoking?

‘

and resistance to disease seem to come from

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

`

August 23

these are my comments about the Tues script to discuss w Dana and Connie

tuesdayCopy

August 22

decisiveness – yes, Decide, Plan, and Act

Awareness, Acceptance, Action, Affirmation

Decisions I choose to make… I want to catch up

chain saw… sharpen, fix Stihl,

lawn mowing … this afternoon??

stucco … am committed, next step is remove old stucco and wheel it into holes

eat: Lunch and dinner
black bean soup, PB sandwich

finish wheelbarrow, anything less than 2″ burn outside, else stack and cover. Start using “ashes”.

burn what I’ve gathered in old garden, and green stuff

take oil whistle apart

clear out laundry room and hallway … then the breakfast room: Use It

bake bread

go to MA meeting

• next steps:
• lunchMA
• bread
• mower started

August 21

Meeting ID: 835 2666 7790, Password: 055295

sweet potato

Rumbledethumps

#1 Lawyer

We use Steps Six and Seven to remove the defects of character. However, we take a different approach for the Laundry List behaviors. We attempt to integrate them through gentleness and patience. Our traits have great value to us if we can embrace them and transform them.

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